My Breastfeeding Journey

When you're pregnant, one of the things you will hear most often is how "breast is best" when it comes to feeding. I took the class at the hospital and learned a million interesting things about breastfeeding. I knew I wanted to go that route (hello, all of the money it saves), but tried to remain realistic in knowing that exclusive breastfeeding might not be a possibility. I kept telling myself (and others) that we'd do whatever we needed to do in terms of feeding.

As I finally sit down to write this, my daughter just made eight months last week and I'm in the process of accepting that my breastfeeding journey will be ending soon. I aimed for making it a full 12 months, but I know that it'll only be a few more weeks.

And even though I had told myself I'd be open to whatever was necessary, it's still extremely bittersweet to know that I'm almost done and to make plans for what happens once I am. For now, I'm planning to go until my daughter turns nine months in June and then fully wean off. I'm absolutely grateful that I was able to get at least eight months, when this journey very well could have ended months ago.

I've been pumping since the very beginning (even before I breastfed the first time), and I've  continued since going back to work in December. But, my production is steadily decreasing. The frozen stash is dwindling and I'm not able to produce enough to make it last much longer. And honestly, these days, it's hard to find motivation to pump when the output is getting smaller by the day.

We started supplementing with formula around two months, which wasn't easy for me to accept emotionally or mentally. All of those things about how breast milk is the perfect food for your baby keeps running through your head, and I felt like I was letting her down by our decision to add formula. (And I still wince a bit when it's time to buy more formula.)

But my daughter is doing just fine. She's happy, she's healthy and she's growing. She hasn't had any issues with drinking both breastmilk and formula. She will basically drink anything if it's in her bottle. She's been eating pureed and solid food since about five and a half months and has loved almost everything she's tried so far. I'm also grateful that she hasn't had feeding issues, breast, bottle or solid.

Although I've sent myself on countless guilt trips over many things in the past eight months, part of this process is reminding myself that it's okay. My daughter will be just fine during these few months of formula before we transition to other milk. I did give it my all, and I'm proud of myself for sticking with it. I'll be sad to not have our morning and nighttime nursing sessions and cuddle time, but I remind myself that it's just a phase.

After going back to work and getting on a pumping routine, I've tried all kinds of different lactation supplements, although I'm not sure really how much they helped. I think they didn't really boost my supply as much as they maintained it and kept it from decreasing even quicker. (For what it's worth, lactation drops are the most digusting taste and Boobie Bars are damn delicious, although insanely expensive.)

I can say, I will miss breastfeeding, but I truly will not miss pumping. No more toting around a backpack and cooler bag. No more finding random empty rooms when I'm not at home or in my office. No more pumping around meetings and phone calls. No more washing tiny-ass parts in the office kitchen! 🙌

Mother's Day 2019

With an infant younger than one year old, many would consider this their first Mother's Day. But deep down, this feels like my third Mother's Day. Two years ago, I was seven weeks along with our angel, and last year, I was 22 weeks along with our sweet baby girl (and we had just found out the day before that it was a girl!)

I never knew just how much I would enjoy being a mom. We've had our fair share of long nights, tough moments and all the tears, but I wouldn't trade these past eight months for anything. Pretty much nothing beats when I hold her and comfort her. When she has her little hand on me while she sleeps, it's like we both know that we'll be okay.

I may not love waking up before 6 a.m. every weekday and 7 a.m. every weekend, but I do love getting to spend the first part of my morning with her.

It's incredible to watch Ariana's personality grow and see her achieve those milestone developments. A couple weeks ago, she started saying 'da da', and it was so much fun to watch her language grow. This weekend, she gave me an early Mother's Day gift by finally saying 'ma ma'!

As Mother's Day approaches, I find myself feeling all kinds of emotions (shockingly), and I'm just excited to be here. With a happy, healthy, sweet as can be baby girl. Though she may be little, she is fierce.

And sometimes, I still can't believe you're actually mine. Ariana, you have no idea just how much I love being your mama.

You are the light that's leading me to the place
Where I find peace again
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

To all the mamas out there, happy Mother's Day! Whether it's your first or your 50th, I hope it's a special day.

To all the mamas who have struggled or are struggling to conceive and to those who have lost children, you are not alone. My heart goes out to you, especially today!
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