Life with my second baby

In the four months that our baby, Sophia, has been with us, she has proven to be the biggest joy. She has truly been the sweetest and cuddliest baby since day one. I always say she is the calm among our chaos. When life gets crazy at home, Sophia is almost always the one just hanging out. She, of course, has her moments, but part of the beauty of her being the second baby is that I can handle them a little better.



I spent much of my pregnancy dealing with anxiety. Beyond the obvious pandemic stress, there were just so many things taking a toll on me. I was constantly worried that something would go wrong with the pregnancy, and it felt like a more intense pregnancy in general, while we were dealing more with toddlerhood, navigating a home improvement project, living through hurricane season and an election, and just dealing with general adulthood.

I remember the day last November when I realized I hadn’t been simply enjoying the journey up until that point (which was approaching my third trimester) and I felt so guilty. I felt like it was unfair to my baby that I was spending so much time worrying. In that moment, she started kicking and it was like she was reminding me to be more present. (Side note, it's perfectly okay if you don't enjoy every moment of pregnancy. That is natural! Unnecessary guilt is one of the things I struggle with.)

The final trimester was filled with more contentment, but also with more physical discomfort. And the final week of my pregnancy was spent riding out a historic ice storm. Although I wanted to go into labor on my own without being induced, I was terrified that I would go into labor while the roads were covered in ice and we either wouldn't be able to make it to the hospital, or our parents wouldn't be able to come watch Ariana.

For as much as I struggled through my pregnancy, I had a relatively smooth labor and delivery experience. It was the kind of experience I really hoped to have, even though we ended up inducing again. Labor went much quicker, and the delivery was safe and less stressful. We were even able to go home after one night in the hospital!

I was grateful to spend 12 weeks at home with Sophia, with part of that being a WFH scenario. Although I struggled with postpartum depression during that time, I cherished getting to spend my days with only her. She was my little errand partner, neighborhood walk companion and meeting buddy. Now that I'm back in the office and back to more of a normal routine, I feel like more myself again. But at the same time, I miss being close to my baby all day.

I hate that, now, I only have a couple hours each evening with the girls, and that I have to split my attention between them. By nature, toddlers are very intensive and just require so much attention. I hate that sometimes I can only hold Sophia when I feed her and put her to bed. I miss those daytime naps in a quiet house, just me and her.

I relish when Sophia sleeps so peacefully in my arms. I try to always take advantage of the time when she falls asleep for the night while I'm holding her, and I just soak up the snuggles. She reminds me that I’m still her safe space and that my arms are her favorite place to be. At four months, she's strong enough to hold herself up, but she still loves to nuzzle against my shoulder and put her hand on my arm or shoulder. And it's my favorite feeling. 

But, sometimes I feel as if I put too much pressure on myself to not miss any moment because it'll be the last of something. That I have to hold her as much as possible because she'll never be this small again. I try to remember something my therapist repeats often: it's okay to mourn the loss of the past while still being excited for the future to come.

I saw this post from Motherly recently and it really hit the nail on the head of the guilt I feel sometimes about not being able to spend as much one-on-one time with Sophia anymore.


Life with two kids is only just beginning, but it's already teaching me so much. And one thing I know for sure is how happy I am that Sophia is part of our family. Her smile and her newfound giggles just melt me.

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