Things I've Learned in the First Year of Motherhood

Leading up to my daughter's first birthday last month, I began doing some reflecting on some of the things I've learned in my first year as a mom. This past year has been unlike any other in my life and has absolutely been a roller coaster. One thing is for sure...I'll never stop learning as I go.


Some things have jumped out at me as I've looked back on the past year or so.

Instagram Stories are a blessing with a newborn. Especially during middle of the night feeding sessions. I remember so many nights, sitting in the rocking chair in the nursery, hitting the first Instagram Story and just letting them play through while I held my baby (and sometimes dozed off.)

It's important to make time for yourself, whether it's to treat yourself or do something you loved from before baby. This is something I still struggle with even now. I used to go to yoga twice a week. While I was pregnant I went probably once a week. Since Ariana was born, I've probably gone 10 times. In 13 months. But when I do go, I feel so much better and more relaxed. Do the things you enjoy. That are you. Go get your nails done. Get a massage. Sit at a coffee shop by yourself. Whatever makes you feel good...commit to doing it. The anticipation of being away from your baby for that time is a lot worse than actually being away for that time.

Give yourself more grace. This is something else I've been working on. I've always been hard on myself, and that pressure has felt stronger since having a baby. You build up these scenarios of what you'll be like as a mother, then you struggle to meet them. It's hard, but I'm learning to let it go. I don't write and blog like I used to. I didn't cloth diaper. These aren't the things I should let weigh me down. My normal is totally different these days, and giving myself grace allows me to go with the flow better (and not cling to what I think I should be doing.)


Your friendships and relationships do change. It's of course understandable that your friendship dynamics shift once you have a baby. It's sometimes hard to realize you're growing apart from some friends, or that you've lost some. Some days you don't think about it, and some days you feel down about it and mourn the losses. And then you sing the lyrics to MMMBop in your head and realize Hanson was singing about this all along. And when it comes to your relationship...it is so easy to slip into the full-time parent role, but it's so important and refreshing to go back to date nights or time alone.

The first time doing something with baby will kind of suck, but the second time is much better. Maybe part of it is because of my anxiety, but anytime we did something for the first time with Ariana, it was filled with more stress than enjoyment. Once that first time is out of the way, it was easier to be relaxed. Our first day at Festival International? Not that fun! The second day? A million times better. Our first vacation this summer? Extremely stressful, although as I look back on it now, I remember more of the good moments than the stressful ones.

Returning to work is both harder and easier than you will expect. I mean, it's probably not the healthiest to think of your time at work as your "me time", but that is what it felt like after almost three months of maternity leave. With the exception of the damn pump, work days felt like a break from parent mode. And then you find yourself at 10 a.m. scrolling through pictures of your child and missing her intensely. Plus, there have been so many days where I felt like I wasn't doing Work Me or Mom Me any justice. So many things to do all the time, and not enough energy or brainpower for it all. Another area where I just have to give myself grace.

Everything is a phase. For better or for worse. The hard times will pass. The teething phases come and go (for the most part at least.) And on the flip side, once you finally feel like you got the hang of a routine...it goes and changes. You're continually going with the flow, whether you want to or not.

Your new hours are not other people's hours. When your child wakes up at ridiculous hours on the weekend, you adjust to the fact that sleeping until 7 a.m. is "sleeping in". You get used to playing on your phone while baby eats or plays or whatever. And then you remember you maybe shouldn't text friends when it's 6:25 on a Saturday morning. You do, however, appreciate the Snaps from your fellow mom friends who are in the same boat as you.

Don't read the news articles. Anytime I see a tragic news article involving children, especially one near my daughter's age, I get the urge to read it. And then I'm either anxious or sad about it. So, easy solution...don't click on the article.

Everything takes longer. It just takes forever to do anything when a baby is involved. Especially if it entails getting out of the house. A lot of times, there are diapers involved. Right after you finish dressing your child and putting them in their car seat. In my case, it takes me longer to do just about anything. I planned to write this blog post a solid month ago. Once again, give yourself grace.

Your First Birthday

To my daughter,
I can't believe your first birthday is already here. I hope you are enjoying your special day and this memorable milestone.


I am thankful for every day with you. You are the answer to our prayers, and this past year has been such an amazing journey. It's truly amazing to watch you grow before my eyes and watching your personality shine. You've taught me so much about myself and the world, and I know you're only going to teach me more as you grow up.

I love that you are a little bookworm. I love your little voice, even when you are talking nonstop (although I don't love the shrieks and screams!) I love your sweet determination, especially when I can see the wheels turning in your head. I love how much you love Dax, even though he usually runs away from you. I love your hugs and your kisses.

I love that you sleep all night every night. I love that you will eat just about any food I fix you. I love how much you adore your father, when you light up as you see him and laugh when he does something funny.

I love that you love your babysitter. I love how much you enjoy swimming and taking baths. I love your happy disposition.

Ari, I am so honored to be your mama. Motherhood is not easy, but it is by far worth it. Thank you for an incredible first year, and happy birthday, little one. We love you more than you will ever know.

The Rain

Today marks two years since we gained our tiny angel.


Losing a pregnancy has been one of the hardest things I've gone through. I still remember that morning, that doctor visit and that ultrasound like it was yesterday. I remember the recovery, the Garth Brooks concert two days later and the resolve to try again. I'll never forget those months that followed, before Ariana came into our lives.

There were many hard days that year, from the sting of seeing pregnancy announcements, to attending baby showers, to watching my due date approach. With it being during the holidays, Christmas was bittersweet that year. 


The loss and the emotional journey taught me more about myself than I ever thought it could. I learned so much perspective. I stopped caring as much about the smaller things.

I learned to lean into my faith more, and prayed for our rainbow.

I learned just how much I was ready to become a mother. I never took my pregnancy with Ariana for granted, and I was grateful for every week that passed, and for every month that I heard her heartbeat.


I look at my sweet rainbow baby and thank God to have her in my life. I know she has a tiny guardian angel watching over her (and us) every day, and it makes me smile. I'll always miss our first baby, and I'll always wonder what if, but I absolutely cannot imagine life without my little girl.


In times of loss, so many people turn toward balloon releases as a way to "let go", but I love our memorial so much more. At the suggestion of a friend, I planted a small angel wing begonia plant in a white pot. The plant came from a family member, and I smile every time I look at how much it's grown. Rather than releasing something that ends up back in the environment, we gave back to the environment. And to me, that's the most beautiful thing.


It's ironic that this day is also International Day of Yoga. My yoga practice definitely helped me work through a lot of my struggle two years ago. I remember planning to attend a yoga class on that day, but I instead sat outside and meditated. It was more about the mental benefits instead of the physical ones. My practice has evolved a lot in the past two years, although it's taken a step back over the past nine months. I'm still here for it, and I'm ready to get back to that part of my self-care.


If you're dealing with miscarriage or infertility, please know you are not alone. Reach out and talk to someone, whether a friend or family member or a professional. The storms and the rain are hard to weather, but I sincerely hope that you find your rainbow too.

My Breastfeeding Journey

When you're pregnant, one of the things you will hear most often is how "breast is best" when it comes to feeding. I took the class at the hospital and learned a million interesting things about breastfeeding. I knew I wanted to go that route (hello, all of the money it saves), but tried to remain realistic in knowing that exclusive breastfeeding might not be a possibility. I kept telling myself (and others) that we'd do whatever we needed to do in terms of feeding.

As I finally sit down to write this, my daughter just made eight months last week and I'm in the process of accepting that my breastfeeding journey will be ending soon. I aimed for making it a full 12 months, but I know that it'll only be a few more weeks.


And even though I had told myself I'd be open to whatever was necessary, it's still extremely bittersweet to know that I'm almost done and to make plans for what happens once I am. For now, I'm planning to go until my daughter turns nine months in June and then fully wean off. I'm absolutely grateful that I was able to get at least eight months, when this journey very well could have ended months ago.


I've been pumping since the very beginning (even before I breastfed the first time), and I've  continued since going back to work in December. But, my production is steadily decreasing. The frozen stash is dwindling and I'm not able to produce enough to make it last much longer. And honestly, these days, it's hard to find motivation to pump when the output is getting smaller by the day.

We started supplementing with formula around two months, which wasn't easy for me to accept emotionally or mentally. All of those things about how breast milk is the perfect food for your baby keeps running through your head, and I felt like I was letting her down by our decision to add formula. (And I still wince a bit when it's time to buy more formula.)

But my daughter is doing just fine. She's happy, she's healthy and she's growing. She hasn't had any issues with drinking both breastmilk and formula. She will basically drink anything if it's in her bottle. She's been eating pureed and solid food since about five and a half months and has loved almost everything she's tried so far. I'm also grateful that she hasn't had feeding issues, breast, bottle or solid.

Although I've sent myself on countless guilt trips over many things in the past eight months, part of this process is reminding myself that it's okay. My daughter will be just fine during these few months of formula before we transition to other milk. I did give it my all, and I'm proud of myself for sticking with it. I'll be sad to not have our morning and nighttime nursing sessions and cuddle time, but I remind myself that it's just a phase.




After going back to work and getting on a pumping routine, I've tried all kinds of different lactation supplements, although I'm not sure really how much they helped. I think they didn't really boost my supply as much as they maintained it and kept it from decreasing even quicker. (For what it's worth, lactation drops are the most digusting taste and Boobie Bars are damn delicious, although insanely expensive.)

I can say, I will miss breastfeeding, but I truly will not miss pumping. No more toting around a backpack and cooler bag. No more finding random empty rooms when I'm not at home or in my office. No more pumping around meetings and phone calls. No more washing tiny-ass parts in the office kitchen! 🙌

Mother's Day 2019

With an infant younger than one year old, many would consider this their first Mother's Day. But deep down, this feels like my third Mother's Day. Two years ago, I was seven weeks along with our angel, and last year, I was 22 weeks along with our sweet baby girl (and we had just found out the day before that it was a girl!)



I never knew just how much I would enjoy being a mom. We've had our fair share of long nights, tough moments and all the tears, but I wouldn't trade these past eight months for anything. Pretty much nothing beats when I hold her and comfort her. When she has her little hand on me while she sleeps, it's like we both know that we'll be okay.


I may not love waking up before 6 a.m. every weekday and 7 a.m. every weekend, but I do love getting to spend the first part of my morning with her.


It's incredible to watch Ariana's personality grow and see her achieve those milestone developments. A couple weeks ago, she started saying 'da da', and it was so much fun to watch her language grow. This weekend, she gave me an early Mother's Day gift by finally saying 'ma ma'!

As Mother's Day approaches, I find myself feeling all kinds of emotions (shockingly), and I'm just excited to be here. With a happy, healthy, sweet as can be baby girl. Though she may be little, she is fierce.


And sometimes, I still can't believe you're actually mine. Ariana, you have no idea just how much I love being your mama.


You are the light that's leading me to the place
Where I find peace again
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?


To all the mamas out there, happy Mother's Day! Whether it's your first or your 50th, I hope it's a special day.

To all the mamas who have struggled or are struggling to conceive and to those who have lost children, you are not alone. My heart goes out to you, especially today!
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